The fashion police really don’t know where they stand when it comes to the humble timepiece. Ironically, it’s the one area of style where buying a designer label singles you out as fool easily parted with your money. £500 for plastic innards and silver plating? Sorry officer, I don’t know what came over me. You see, however much innate catwalk flair you entrust to the likes of DKNY, Christian Dior and Gucci, you may as well pick up your next watch with joystick controlling a hermetically-sealed miniature crane (avoiding cuddly bear and roll of Parma Violets) at a funfair. Why? Because there’s a golden rule when it comes to the timepiece - Only a dedicate watchmaker will provide you with a decent watch.

In the world of brands, little is done to temper the confusing and inappropriate hybrid product or endorsement.. At one end of the aspiration scale, it’s why Ferrari makes slippers with little horses on them. At the other end, there’s Ainsley Harriot and cup-a-soup. So, who thought that Paul Smith would be able to make a decent watch? Maybe the same man who gets his shoes made at Casio? When it comes to watches, stick with old school brands and stalwart styles. The word ‘timeless’ shouldn’t be used to describe something that doesn’t work from the 1920’s. Ditto ‘wind-up’.

I’m no expert. That would make me a Horologist and that sounds like I know what you did last summer. But a lifelong watchmaker once told me this - go for brands with pedigree and provenance. Any Rolex, Breitling or Omega from the last fifty years will be a sound investment because they’re reputation for quality is widely understood. Some of the less popular or exotic number, such as Ikepod, may be cool this week but try explaining that to a pornbroker just off the main strip in Las Vegas after an unlucky spell at the wheel.

For some serious timely advice on choosing your ‘hands’, visit a reputable store representing a gamut of brands. Watches of Switzerland is hard to beat, but you’ll find some very studious fellows at Selfridges international watch department too. Just remember, this - If it’s been near the catwalk, it’s likely to be a dog.